Athletes

Logan

Malan & her best friend Ella

Amelia

I wrote this entry several months ago, and for some reason never posted it.  I probably thought it needed to be added to or maybe I had some other thought that I didn't have time to include at the moment.  Well, the thought is gone now, and I'm feeling less picky about being literary, so here it is, just the way it is.

So remember a few posts ago I wrote about the girls and ballet?  And at the end I made a comment about them eventually choosing soccer over dance?  Well... they are now refusing to go to ballet now that their spring show is over and they are both on soccer teams for the first time.   Logan is also playing soccer again for the first time since we left Albuquerque.  He is so naturally athletic that he generally does pretty well at whatever he tries even if he doesn't know all the rules and technique.  Hopefully he will stick with soccer for a while so he can really learn how it's done (I enjoy watching soccer much more than baseball).  But I will watch him do whatever he enjoys the most.  I would really love it if my kids got into something that I enjoy doing that we could do together, like climbing, biking, or hiking... I'll keep trying.  It's not that they don't like to do those things, they do, it's just not something they have pursued actively without serious mom and dad encouragement.

Logan's talk

This has nothing to do with the post, except that it's of Logan and I thought it was a fun picture.

When I wrote about Mothers' Day talks a few posts ago I failed to mention that along with Malan and me, Logan spoke in sacrament meeting too.  I'm posting his talk here too.  He did a great job, and I was happy to be speaking with 2 of the amazing people who made me a mom.  Here's the talk...

I have been asked to speak about how my mother has helped me become a deacon and receive the priesthood.   The Priesthood is “the authority to act for the Lord and do His work on the earth.” 

I learned from the Gospel Principles manual that;

“A young man who has been baptized and confirmed a member of the Church and is worthy may be ordained to the office of deacon when he is 12 years old. The deacons are usually assigned to pass the sacrament to members of the Church, keep Church buildings and grounds in good order, act as messengers for priesthood leaders, and fulfill special assignments such as collecting fast offerings.”

My mother has helped me become a deacon by teaching me about the gospel helping me live the commandments.  Making good choices will help me to be worthy to receive the priesthood when I turn 12.

I have also done some things to prepare myself to become a deacon.

I read the scriptures and say my prayers.  I go to most of my scout meetings.  I go to church every Sunday and try to keep the commandments.  When I make a mistake I repent and try not to do it again.

My mom is special because she helps me with school and work at home.  She feeds me and takes care of me when I’m sick.  And because she typed this talk for me as I slept on her floor at 10:30 last night even though she is sick and needed to go to bed early.  Those are some of the reasons I love my mom.

Testimony, etc.

OK, so I (Jana) didn't really write the whole talk.  I did type the whole thing, but Logan mostly told me what to write.  But when he fell asleep before it was totally done, I just couldn't resist adding the line about writing his talk.  It was pretty funny when he read through the whole thing for the first time in the car on the way to church.  When he got to the sleeping line, he just stopped and said..."moooom" (that's a drawn out, disgusted-tone "mom", not moo like a cow).  He did omit the line in sacrament meeting.   I love my almost a teenager boy!

New Job!

Yesterday was Rustin's first day on his new job at FFKR Architects.  This is a big change for him, and not one that was anticipated or very welcomed, but we feel like it will end up being a good experience for him and the family.  The firm where he used to work suddenly found themselves without some big projects that they expected to have, which meant that they had way too many people to keep busy (and keep paying).  They gave Rustin the option of staying on with a pay cut or interviewing with FFKR, who they had learned was hiring.  He chose to interview and got the job!  He has had mixed feelings about this change because FFKR is a big firm and he has typically not wanted to work for a big firm, but it seems there are some benefits to it.  The big one that I am hopeful about is that they do not encourage working overtime, and if it is necessary, they pay you for it (time and a 1/2 even)!  So... maybe, just maybe, I'll get to see my husband more.  We feel very blessed that Rustin did not have to have any time out of work.  He was able to go from one job right to the other, which is amazing in this job market.  One of the many blessings of paying our tithing!  I may post more details or impressions later, but for now, I must go to bed.

Malan Turned 8!

Malan was baptized on Saturday April 30th, the day after her 8th birthday!  She wore cousin Mckenzie's baptism dress so it was extra special.  It was a beautiful snowy morning that turned into a green, but chilly afternoon.  We had a brunch with family and friends at the church after the meeting, and although I can't say everything went off without a hitch, the "hitches" were not significant enough to remember or worry about.  My mom gave an inspiring talk on the Holy Ghost, Brigita and my dear friend Christy sang an angelic duet, Uncle Adam graced us all with his piano prowess, and all the cousins who dared sang I Am a Child of God.  Rustin did the baptizing and confirming with the adoring grandpas as witnesses.  It was so comforting to have the love and support of all our family (the presence of those absent was felt and appreciated) and many friends on Malan's special day.  Thank you to everyone who made the brunch possible by preparing yummy food and helping with set up and clean up!  It was a great day!

Malan spoke in church today (Mothers' Day) about how she felt at her baptism.  Her talk (which she thought up and typed totally unaided) follows. 

I have been asked to talk about some of my feelings about my baptism & say some things special about my Mom & say some ways my Mom helped me get ready for my baptism. Some of my feelings about my baptism are… when I went in the water I felt really good. And when I came out of the water I felt really warm. And after I got dressed I told my Mom I wanted to get baptized 100 times. Because it felt so good getting baptized. And it felt really warm not just the water made me feel warm the holy gost did to. I  And some things special about my Mom are…my Mom is always there for me and she always helps me when I need help. I am glad my Mom & Dad are married &I am glad they are my Mom and Dad. Some ways my Mom helped me get ready for my baptism are… she helps teach me the commandments &she helps teach me the gospel. And one of the commandments is to get baptized.  

Mommy Connections

When I first started blogging I didn't want to just write another mommy blog that focued only on my adorable children and idylic life. I still feel that way, but i have come to appreciate the value of mommy blogs and other mom to mom connections. The truth is ...we need eachother! We need that interaction with other moms. Even moms that we don't know can impact our lives in amazing ways. My freind Tarynn (one of those moms who has influenced me for good) posted this thought on Facebook recently, and I thought it belonged in this post...

“Women need women. Whether it be our mothers, mother-in-laws, sisters, dear friends, or even online acquaintances — woman are some of the best and sturdiest scaffolding we can have in our lives...”

Since it's Mothers' Day I'd like to say just a few things about my first earthly mother.  I may at al later time tell about some of the other influencial moms in my life, but that feels overwhelming to me right now, so I have to just start with one.  My mom is an amazing person!  The older I get and the more mothering experience I have the more I realize how amazing she is.  She has survived raising 7 imperfect kids and kept at least most of her sanity.  She has endured and even thrived through inumerable challenges, and she is still there for me and all her kids whenever we need her, yet at the same time, she is her own person.  I spoke in sacrament meeting today about mothers and mothering, and I shared this poem that I wrote about my mom several years ago.  There is much more I could say about my mom, but that's all I can write for now, and I'm sure that's more than you care to read right now.  Happy Mothers' Day to all the amazing mothers in my life!! I love you!

My Mother

An alternative sacrament meeting talk

My mother is extraordinary. 

My mother loves her children unconditionally. 

We are not perfect, and sometimes we are hard to love, but she loves us still. 

My mother is perfect.

And I don’t mean perfect like the usual sacrament meeting eulogy that some poor child is brain-washed into giving because he thinks that is what mothers want to hear. 

You know the talk…

”My mother is perfect.  She bakes bread and cookies everyday, she spends her whole day driving us from practice to school, to lessons, and back home again.  She would rather her kids had nice things to wear than spend money on something new for herself.  Her whole life is devoted to her children, with no thought for her own time or improvement.  She is completely selfless…etc. etc.” 

It’s the kind of talk that makes me not want to go to church on Mother’s Day because I know that I am not like that mother, and I don’t necessarily want to be like that mother. 

My mother is a different kind of perfect. 

Although she has done all the things listed in the eulogy, she is real, and she shows me how to be real;

how to repent when I make mistakes;

how to take time for myself, because she knows that I and my family will be better off in the future if I do;

how to educate myself, both formally and independently;

how to love my husband, and put him first on my priority list (even above my children). 

She teaches me that it is important to make things beautiful, but it is not the most important thing;

that although women are super, I do not have to be Superwoman, and must not run faster than I am able, which means that sometimes, something has to give. 

She teaches that sometimes learning and living the gospel are more important than… eating;

But…that food can be an effective means of getting the family together;

She teaches me that as a woman, I am smart, capable, talented, different from men, but not inferior, essential to making a happy eternal home and family, but not solely responsible for the successes or the failures of that family;

that it is necessary to be peculiar, and even to be the “bad guy” at times;

She teaches me that there are some things I do that my children will forget about the next day (and I need to forget them too), and other things that they will remember for the rest of their lives;

that being consistent with my children is more important than appeasing temporary desires;

that we all have great worth as individuals along with our collective identities;

that although it is a great honor to be “my husband’s wife”, and “my children’s mother,” I am also important as me, separate from any other relationship.

My mother is perfect because she is not perfect. 

So I know that if am not a perfect mother or wife, I can still be extraordinary. 

I can still be the one to influence those around me for good. 

I can still love and be loved, serve and receive service.

 I can still be worthy of the sacred title Mother.

By Jana Ostler in May 2004

Aspirations; check

Hold on just a minute while I do a little shimmy... Now I can say with all honesty that I have accomplished my daily aspirations today (except that I guess now it's a new day, but I haven't been to bed yet, so does that count?)  How, you may ask, can I say I have "slept more" today when I am still up at 12:24 am?  Well, I slept in until 9:30 am and took a 2 1/2 hour nap this afternoon.  Ok, it's not really the kind of sleeping more that I meant when I wrote the goal, but it'll have to do for now.  Tomorrow (today) is Mothers' Day.  I am not as prepared as I need to be for it to be a smooth, worry-free Sunday morning, but I'm going to bed anyway and praying that I will be patient and understanding, and that others will do the same for me.

Progress

I just realized that this post plus one more will make 12 posts to this blog this year.  This is meager by many standards, but for me it is real progress because 12 is the number of posts I logged in all of 2008, 2009, and 2010 combined!  And if you count my posts to my new blog (my personal journal) then I am already ahead.  Although I never feel like I am doing enough or doing it well enough (a common sin among women I have learned) I think I should celebrate my improvement in this and other areas!  I feel like I should be helping Rustin in the kitchen since that saint of a husband is doing dishes, cooking dinner, and entertaining Evan simultaneously.  But, I also feel like somehow I have to make time to record our history. For example, our posterity may not have known that Rustin does such wonderful things if I didn't take a minute to write about it... right?  So... the progress report (not just mine).

-Logan has been caught up on his homework for 4 weeks in a row now, and is determined to keep it up!  WOW!  I can't tell you how amazing that is!
-Evan is learning more words every day and continually making us smile and laugh.  He is no longer afraid of the sight of dogs, in fact he can't get enough of seeing them as long as they don't make any noise.  Rustin has been trying to teach him that when dogs bark they are just saying "hi" and he does this by mixing barking sounds with the word "hi", so now whenever Evan says "hi," it sounds like he's barking, and whenever you ask him what a dog says, he says "hi"!
-I am steadily increasing my running speed.  I have run several 5k + training runs in the last couple of weeks at about a 10.5 minute /mile pace.  I know, I really can't call that "running", it's still a jogging pace, but I feel good about it.
-I decided last summer that I was going to complete a sprint triathlon this summer, so I started training for the swim a couple of months ago.  I used to be a TERRIBLE swimmer and quite afraid of water (even though I spent a lot of time in it while growing up) and now, I can say with some confidence that I know how to swim.  I have much improvement to make still.  I am quite slow, and still have the occasional panicky moment when I have to break my stroke to catch my breath and calm myself down, but now instead of stopping dead in the water and doggy paddling while gasping for air, I can somewhat calmly roll into my "sweet spot" (a term I learned from my awesome swim teacher and friend Coleen), breath deeply for a minute to steady myself, and then roll back into my stroke.  This would have been unthinkable a year ago.
-I have "kept up" on the laundry for a few months now.  This doesn't mean that the laundry is always DONE because that's impossible unless you make everyone go naked, sleep standing up, and drip dry instead of using towels.  But I have managed to avoid chest high piles of dirty clothes and multiple baskets of clean clothes waiting to be folded and put away.  I don't really know what has made the difference except maybe just consistently doing a little everyday.
-I have done better about managing the kids' chores and responsibilities using progress charts and rewards lately.  Sometimes it is so hard to keep up with who has finished what and who has earned or lost what privilege, but I have devoted enough time to it lately that we have had a somewhat meaningful system of incentives and things are getting done around the house (by the kids) more regularly.

I'd love to keep going, it helps me feel better about myself and my family when I spend time thinking about the good we accomplish, but I really better go help Rustin now so he can feel good about what I'm doing too!

New Blog

So, I finally gave in to my feelings that I needed a blog just for my journal writing.  It will be private (like just for me) so I can write a little more freely but still have my history saved somewhere that it won't disappear if my computer crashes again, or can't get lost if I leave my notebook lying around and lose it.  This means that I may post a little less (if that is possible) in this blog, but I decided that it's ok for me to not be the super blogger for everyone else to read as long as I'm recording my history somewhere and sharing enough to keep family and friends somewhat in-the-loop about our lives.  I hope my throngs of followers won't be disappointed if I seem to slack off in my contributions to their monthly entertainment! :)  Ending here before I fall asleep at the computer!

Ballerinas

Mini ballerina Jana on the left with big sis Erika on the right.

Malan on stage on the right.

Malan & Amelia basking in post-performance glory!

Last week I attended my first real ballet class in about 18 years!  I was in heaven as I tried to make my body do all the things it used to, and found that I still could do a lot.  My girls started ballet last fall and I have loved every minute of being in the ballet studio with them.  I've loved making them look like ballerinas with perfect little buns and clean pink tights and red leotards.  They have always been dancers, but seeing them develop technique and learn the words to go with their movements thrills me.  I never thought I would try to live vicariously through my children's activities, and I didn't really do it on purpose, but I can't help but get excited for myself and not just for them, when they stand gracefully at the bar and plié with head held high.  I wish I could afford to take regular classes like they do, and I secretly wish I could be in a recital too.  I know these things are not possible at this moment in my life, but I can unashamedly feel great satisfaction seeing my girls do it.  The trick is to not take it too personally when they decide they don't want to go to ballet class some days, and brace myself for the possible eventuality that they choose soccer over ballet.

Thoughtfulness

One of the wonderful traits of my dear husband is his thoughtfulness.  This is something I really need to work on, but I hope my children are learning it from him.  I do see some evidence of this in the little things that they do from time to time.  Malan for example asked me one day what my favorite color was.  I gave her a list of about 5 and she has remembered them all and whenever she makes me anything- a card, picture, bead bracelet, etc. she makes it with those colors that she remembers are my favorites.  Although all the kids show evidence of inheriting thoughtfulness, Malan seems to exhibit this trait the most.  Like her dad, whenever we have a treat or special food without all family members present, she will make sure we save some for those who didn't get any.  I think it's interesting that she is often the kindest, even though she is also the most picked on by her siblings.

love dad dont break up love mom from amelia love

I need to post today no matter what!  I have a few partial entries started and I thought I would finish one of them, but when I sat down to write I had a brain cramp.  I took a little break then sat down again and Amelia came and sat on my lap.  I asked her what I should write about and she said "love."  I asked "what about love?" and she said, "love your husband and don't ever break up!"  I asked if she worried about Rustin me breaking up and she said, "no."  I let her write the title of this post!  She even did most of the spelling herself.   I sure hope that none of my kids worry about us breaking up.  We don't really give them any reason to worry.  We don't fight or argue (honestly, we never have!), we go on regular dates, and we are not shy about "innocent" PDA in front of them.  We are a perfect match and I am even more in love with Rustin now than I was when we were married 15 1/2 years ago.  All of that said, I think my parents could have said the same thing about each other when I was young, and yet I think my greatest fear was that they would split up or that I would lose one or both of them somehow.  I don't know where that fear came from, but I hope I can keep my kids from feeling it.

I guess I'm feeling a little sensitive about the subject of losing a husband right now because of a couple of events that have taken place this week.  One of my good friends had a scare with her marriage and thought her husband was leaving her.  That freaked me out... mostly for her, but it made me think about my marriage and reminded me that I can never work too hard to keep it strong and happy.  The other event that has my mind considering the loss of a spouse is the unexpected death of the father of one of my best childhood friends.  He is my dad's age and died suddenly of a heart attack this week.  He was also one of my bosses for a few years when I worked at his dental office.  He was a good man and has a great wife with whom he spent most of his time working and traveling.  For years I didn't particularly envy their relationship as he was a little grouchy and particular and she was sweet and patient, but I came to realize that he did love her and and she him and that was made clear in the number of hours they spent together everyday in the office, at home, and on the many vacations they took together.  You just can't spend that much time together and not love each other!  Thank you Garn and Catherine for your example... Garn you will be missed, and Catherine, Mary and all the other Ford clan, you are in my prayers!

To my kids.  I guess I can't promise you that dad and I won't be separated by death at some point, but that separation is not permanent, and I can promise you that staying with your dad FOREVER is my number one goal!!!

Train up a child

The other night Logan and I were out later than usual grocery shopping after his basketball practice.  When we got home the girls and Rustin had already read scriptures together.  Logan got ready for bed and lay down.  After a while he came in and asked if I could read scriptures with him.  He said he had already done his own scripture reading, but that he wanted to read where our family is ready together too.  So, I went and read to him from the Joseph Smith History.  We recently finished reading the Book of Mormon together as a family and he has started over on his own.  He told me after I read that his goal is to finish the Book of Mormon on his own this year, and so far he has read at least a little everyday.  He also told me that he has a goal to earn 20 merit badges this year.  When he told me these goals I thought to myself, "that may be a little too ambitious for an 11 year old to actually accomplish,"  and I considered trying to temper his lofty ideal in order to keep him from being disappointed in himself.  But then I thought, "those are not completely impossible goals - if he believes he can do it, and we encourage it, it could happen!"  So instead I asked, "what can I do to support you in accomplishing those goals?"

Someone reading this who knows Logan may be surprised that he would have these goals and be as spiritually sensitive as this incident illustrates.  It's true he often struggles to control his actions and torments his siblings and parents mercilessly.  But he really is a great kid, with a kind heart and a desire to do what's right.  He is always the first to offer to pray in most circumstances, and he prays thoughtfully and sincerely.  I used to think that he would volunteer to pray just so that he wouldn't have to sit through a long mom prayer, but I know now that he does it because he feels it (most of the time).  I'm so grateful for moments like these that remind me of this good side of him.  I need to learn how to help him let it out more often.  I guess I need to just expect it more, and think of him this way in my head more than I currently do.  Although I know that a lot of who Logan is is just his nature, I'm pretty convinced that parents do have something to do with the way their children "turn out."  I'm always hopeful that I am "training up" my children in the right way (although I don't usually feel that I'm doing such a great job at it), but moments like these give me encouragement to keep trying.

This was a year and a half ago, when Logan found a couple of baby birds in our yard.  He spent a lot of time and emotional energy on trying to get those birds healthy and able to survive on their own.

Logan the Tenderfoot

I've always loved outdoorsy stuff, but for some reason I've never been that excited about scouting, but I think I'm starting to now that I see what it is doing for my Logan.  He is really excited about earning merit badges and moving up in scouting.  I think it really helps that his dad is such a a good example.  Rustin earned his Eagle when he was 13 or 14, and he is encouraging Logan to do the same.  It also helps that Rustin is the Young Mens President so he is always involved in scouting stuff too.  The two of them went on the Klondike Derby campout this last weekend and had a great time.  Last night we had a court of honor and Logan was awarded his Tenderfoot and he got a carpentry merit badge (which Rustin helped him and the other boys earn).   Way to go Logan!  Thank you Rustin!  I love you both!

Daily affirmations

I'm on a role and not falling asleep at the keyboard yet, so I'm adding another post.  This is a list of self-talk affirmations I wrote a few months ago.  It felt kind of silly to write it, but reading it now, I see that it would be very useful for me to actually read it daily... memorize it... come to believe it... and then become this person.  My plan is to have my blog made into a book that will serve as our family scrapbook as well as my journal, so I'm just going to post whatever I feel like posting as often as I can.  I just thought about what I just wrote... not sure I really want my personal journal to be the family scrapbook, maybe I'll have to do 2 blogs, one just for me, and one for friends and family.  Yikes!  I haven't even done 1 blog well... now 2?!  Where is my brain?  Should have gone to bed long ago.  Anyway, here are my "affirmations";

I can act quickly and efficiently using every available moment to work toward accomplishing my goals.

I can be patient with my children.  I can have fun with them and say "yes" often and "no" only when necessary.

I can take care of my body by eating healthy foods and few treats, exercising daily, and going to bed at a reasonable hour (10:30 ish).  OOPS!

I can smile and laugh often.

I can put the Lord first as I use my time and resources.

I can keep negative thoughts and feelings from entering my mind.

I like this picture because we all look genuinely happy... and well... we are... most of the time!  We even look like we're having fun (note daily affirmation above).

Photo update

You'd think that we don't take many pictures around here if you compare the number of photos to the number of words in my blog.  Here is an initial attempt to correct that misperception.

Most recent (professional) family photo.  Logan, Rustin, Malan, Jana, Evan, Amelia.  November 2009

Love my goofy baby!  January 2011

Sisters!  Need I say more?  April 2010

Daddy's girls!  Malan and Amelia's 1st ballet recital.  I cried!  I didn't realize how much it would affect me to see my girls doing something that I love so much!  December 2010

Logan is a great big brother!  He's becoming so responsible and helpful!  April 2010

Amelia Beth

Since Amelia is now in kindergarten, I was pushed to write her name story (like I had done for Malan and plan to do for all the kids) so here it is.  I love this picture of her.  It captures one of her truest moments of being Amelia.  Not sure that will make sense to anyone but me, but oh well!


Amelia comes from a family of mountain lovers.  Her mom and dad met and dated mostly in the mountains rock climbing.  Amelia and each of her siblings got their first names from mountain peaks.  Amelia peak is located in beautiful Yosemite National Park in California and is named Amelia Earhart Peak after the famous adventurer and pilot. Amelia Earhart Peak rises 11,974 feet out of Yosemite Valley and offers a rewarding 14 mile hike to the summit. Amelia’s family hopes to hike all of the “name peaks” before the kids graduate from high school, but for now we practice on shorter hikes and love to camp and rock climb together. This summer, while camping, Amelia asked if we could sell our house and buy the campground and live there year-round. We probably won’t go that far, but we do need to camp more often and Amelia makes it a fun time for us.


Amelia's first name also happens (not accidentally) to be the name of my 3rd? great grandmother Amelia Eliza Slade Bennion.  Amelia was a Mormon pioneer who's strength and courage have inspired me many times while reading her history.  I hope someday my Amelia will cultivate the same strength and will for life that grandma Amelia had.


Amelia is the only child in the family that has a nickname that is used regularly. She became known as Mia (pronounced Mee-uh) when she was born and her then 20 month old sister Malan couldn’t pronounce Amelia’s full name and it always came out as Mia. I (Amelia’s mom) have spoken Spanish to her since she was born and mia means “mine” in Spanish, so even though most people now call her Amelia, I still call her Mia because she will always be “mine”.


Amelia’s middle name comes from her great-grandmother Pauline Beth Ostler. Grandma Ostler is cheerful and huggable like Amelia and is a wonderful cook. Her mostly-sweet masterpieces are loved and shared by all the grandkids, but I think Amelia has a special appreciation for those sweet treats (and food in general) because she is always asking for something to eat! Grandma Ostler is also an avid reader and Amelia seems to be following in her footsteps. Although she doesn’t read words yet, Amelia can often be found in a quiet corner with a stack of books “reading.” Grandma Ostler is Amelia’s last living great-grandparent and is now 90 years old. She and Amelia share the same birthday so Grandma Ostler is exactly 85 years older than her namesake.


Amelia’s last name, Ostler, comes from England where it originated as an occupational surname referring to inn-keepers. We don’t know if the family tradition started way back then, but in recent history the Ostler line is full of gracious hosts who love to make guests feel comfortable in their homes. Amelia continues that tradition in her own silly way by entertaining guests with crazy antics and spontaneous talent shows. There must be some mountaineers in the Ostler line as well because Ostler is also the name of a majestic looking mountain peak in the Uintah mountains. We look forward to climbing Ostler peak together soon also!

Just gotta do it!

I just have to do this for myself and my posterity. I haven't been writing much of a journal lately and Heaven knows I don't scrapbook (not even digitally yet) so I have to do something to preserve my history for those who come after (or just for myself). I just read through my last post and was almost in tears remembering some of the things I mentioned briefly. I almost always have that reaction when I go back and read old journal entries. So, why don't I do it more often? I guess because it always comes down to moments like this when the kids are finally asleep and I should be too, but I still have a million things on my "to do" list, many of which seem much too urgent to put off in order to spend time blogging (which I am now going to refer to as journaling-in an effort to make it feel more like a necessity rather than a frivolity). For example, I should probably be working on disputing the credit card charges that were recently made by someone who stole Rustin's identity. It's been 3 weeks and I haven't done anything about it except fret. Or... I could be folding the mountains of laundry on my bed, or I could be washing my sink full of dishes, or I could be taking down my Christmas tree and decorations, or cleaning out my filing cabinet, or... or... or. But I'm doing this for a little while!

Something I have learned about myself is that I really struggle to stay awake or stay focused while I pray unless I write things down. Since I'm pretty sure no one reads this but me, I'm going to transcribe this mornings prayer notes here. If someone else is reading this... well, hopefully you will treat my innermost thoughts / ramblings charitably.

I know I need to pray more often because when I pray I think of all my blessings and mostly give thanks for all I have. When I'm not praying however, I often think of all the ways I fall short of perfection or even of my goal (which is not quite perfection yet). I've been thinking a lot about the balance between wanting to improve constantly and being content with what I have and the way I am. I know we are commanded to always be improving and that spiritual improvement is the most important thing, but I think constant physical and temporal improvement are also important if we are to one day (not in this life) become perfect in all things. So I guess the trick is to be content enough with the way you are physically, spiritually, and temporally that you're not beating yourself up constantly (that's what Satan wants) while at the same time recognizing that there is room for improvement and being motivated to work toward being better in all those areas. No dwelling on the past and it's failures and shortcomings...repent and move on...allow each new moment to be a new chance to do it better, not worrying about the mistake that was made in the previous moment. SELF CONTROL - of mind, body, feelings, words! Time to go exercise!