Mommy Connections

When I first started blogging I didn't want to just write another mommy blog that focued only on my adorable children and idylic life. I still feel that way, but i have come to appreciate the value of mommy blogs and other mom to mom connections. The truth is ...we need eachother! We need that interaction with other moms. Even moms that we don't know can impact our lives in amazing ways. My freind Tarynn (one of those moms who has influenced me for good) posted this thought on Facebook recently, and I thought it belonged in this post...

“Women need women. Whether it be our mothers, mother-in-laws, sisters, dear friends, or even online acquaintances — woman are some of the best and sturdiest scaffolding we can have in our lives...”

Since it's Mothers' Day I'd like to say just a few things about my first earthly mother.  I may at al later time tell about some of the other influencial moms in my life, but that feels overwhelming to me right now, so I have to just start with one.  My mom is an amazing person!  The older I get and the more mothering experience I have the more I realize how amazing she is.  She has survived raising 7 imperfect kids and kept at least most of her sanity.  She has endured and even thrived through inumerable challenges, and she is still there for me and all her kids whenever we need her, yet at the same time, she is her own person.  I spoke in sacrament meeting today about mothers and mothering, and I shared this poem that I wrote about my mom several years ago.  There is much more I could say about my mom, but that's all I can write for now, and I'm sure that's more than you care to read right now.  Happy Mothers' Day to all the amazing mothers in my life!! I love you!

My Mother

An alternative sacrament meeting talk

My mother is extraordinary. 

My mother loves her children unconditionally. 

We are not perfect, and sometimes we are hard to love, but she loves us still. 

My mother is perfect.

And I don’t mean perfect like the usual sacrament meeting eulogy that some poor child is brain-washed into giving because he thinks that is what mothers want to hear. 

You know the talk…

”My mother is perfect.  She bakes bread and cookies everyday, she spends her whole day driving us from practice to school, to lessons, and back home again.  She would rather her kids had nice things to wear than spend money on something new for herself.  Her whole life is devoted to her children, with no thought for her own time or improvement.  She is completely selfless…etc. etc.” 

It’s the kind of talk that makes me not want to go to church on Mother’s Day because I know that I am not like that mother, and I don’t necessarily want to be like that mother. 

My mother is a different kind of perfect. 

Although she has done all the things listed in the eulogy, she is real, and she shows me how to be real;

how to repent when I make mistakes;

how to take time for myself, because she knows that I and my family will be better off in the future if I do;

how to educate myself, both formally and independently;

how to love my husband, and put him first on my priority list (even above my children). 

She teaches me that it is important to make things beautiful, but it is not the most important thing;

that although women are super, I do not have to be Superwoman, and must not run faster than I am able, which means that sometimes, something has to give. 

She teaches that sometimes learning and living the gospel are more important than… eating;

But…that food can be an effective means of getting the family together;

She teaches me that as a woman, I am smart, capable, talented, different from men, but not inferior, essential to making a happy eternal home and family, but not solely responsible for the successes or the failures of that family;

that it is necessary to be peculiar, and even to be the “bad guy” at times;

She teaches me that there are some things I do that my children will forget about the next day (and I need to forget them too), and other things that they will remember for the rest of their lives;

that being consistent with my children is more important than appeasing temporary desires;

that we all have great worth as individuals along with our collective identities;

that although it is a great honor to be “my husband’s wife”, and “my children’s mother,” I am also important as me, separate from any other relationship.

My mother is perfect because she is not perfect. 

So I know that if am not a perfect mother or wife, I can still be extraordinary. 

I can still be the one to influence those around me for good. 

I can still love and be loved, serve and receive service.

 I can still be worthy of the sacred title Mother.

By Jana Ostler in May 2004

love dad dont break up love mom from amelia love

I need to post today no matter what!  I have a few partial entries started and I thought I would finish one of them, but when I sat down to write I had a brain cramp.  I took a little break then sat down again and Amelia came and sat on my lap.  I asked her what I should write about and she said "love."  I asked "what about love?" and she said, "love your husband and don't ever break up!"  I asked if she worried about Rustin me breaking up and she said, "no."  I let her write the title of this post!  She even did most of the spelling herself.   I sure hope that none of my kids worry about us breaking up.  We don't really give them any reason to worry.  We don't fight or argue (honestly, we never have!), we go on regular dates, and we are not shy about "innocent" PDA in front of them.  We are a perfect match and I am even more in love with Rustin now than I was when we were married 15 1/2 years ago.  All of that said, I think my parents could have said the same thing about each other when I was young, and yet I think my greatest fear was that they would split up or that I would lose one or both of them somehow.  I don't know where that fear came from, but I hope I can keep my kids from feeling it.

I guess I'm feeling a little sensitive about the subject of losing a husband right now because of a couple of events that have taken place this week.  One of my good friends had a scare with her marriage and thought her husband was leaving her.  That freaked me out... mostly for her, but it made me think about my marriage and reminded me that I can never work too hard to keep it strong and happy.  The other event that has my mind considering the loss of a spouse is the unexpected death of the father of one of my best childhood friends.  He is my dad's age and died suddenly of a heart attack this week.  He was also one of my bosses for a few years when I worked at his dental office.  He was a good man and has a great wife with whom he spent most of his time working and traveling.  For years I didn't particularly envy their relationship as he was a little grouchy and particular and she was sweet and patient, but I came to realize that he did love her and and she him and that was made clear in the number of hours they spent together everyday in the office, at home, and on the many vacations they took together.  You just can't spend that much time together and not love each other!  Thank you Garn and Catherine for your example... Garn you will be missed, and Catherine, Mary and all the other Ford clan, you are in my prayers!

To my kids.  I guess I can't promise you that dad and I won't be separated by death at some point, but that separation is not permanent, and I can promise you that staying with your dad FOREVER is my number one goal!!!

Daily affirmations

I'm on a role and not falling asleep at the keyboard yet, so I'm adding another post.  This is a list of self-talk affirmations I wrote a few months ago.  It felt kind of silly to write it, but reading it now, I see that it would be very useful for me to actually read it daily... memorize it... come to believe it... and then become this person.  My plan is to have my blog made into a book that will serve as our family scrapbook as well as my journal, so I'm just going to post whatever I feel like posting as often as I can.  I just thought about what I just wrote... not sure I really want my personal journal to be the family scrapbook, maybe I'll have to do 2 blogs, one just for me, and one for friends and family.  Yikes!  I haven't even done 1 blog well... now 2?!  Where is my brain?  Should have gone to bed long ago.  Anyway, here are my "affirmations";

I can act quickly and efficiently using every available moment to work toward accomplishing my goals.

I can be patient with my children.  I can have fun with them and say "yes" often and "no" only when necessary.

I can take care of my body by eating healthy foods and few treats, exercising daily, and going to bed at a reasonable hour (10:30 ish).  OOPS!

I can smile and laugh often.

I can put the Lord first as I use my time and resources.

I can keep negative thoughts and feelings from entering my mind.

I like this picture because we all look genuinely happy... and well... we are... most of the time!  We even look like we're having fun (note daily affirmation above).

Just gotta do it!

I just have to do this for myself and my posterity. I haven't been writing much of a journal lately and Heaven knows I don't scrapbook (not even digitally yet) so I have to do something to preserve my history for those who come after (or just for myself). I just read through my last post and was almost in tears remembering some of the things I mentioned briefly. I almost always have that reaction when I go back and read old journal entries. So, why don't I do it more often? I guess because it always comes down to moments like this when the kids are finally asleep and I should be too, but I still have a million things on my "to do" list, many of which seem much too urgent to put off in order to spend time blogging (which I am now going to refer to as journaling-in an effort to make it feel more like a necessity rather than a frivolity). For example, I should probably be working on disputing the credit card charges that were recently made by someone who stole Rustin's identity. It's been 3 weeks and I haven't done anything about it except fret. Or... I could be folding the mountains of laundry on my bed, or I could be washing my sink full of dishes, or I could be taking down my Christmas tree and decorations, or cleaning out my filing cabinet, or... or... or. But I'm doing this for a little while!

Something I have learned about myself is that I really struggle to stay awake or stay focused while I pray unless I write things down. Since I'm pretty sure no one reads this but me, I'm going to transcribe this mornings prayer notes here. If someone else is reading this... well, hopefully you will treat my innermost thoughts / ramblings charitably.

I know I need to pray more often because when I pray I think of all my blessings and mostly give thanks for all I have. When I'm not praying however, I often think of all the ways I fall short of perfection or even of my goal (which is not quite perfection yet). I've been thinking a lot about the balance between wanting to improve constantly and being content with what I have and the way I am. I know we are commanded to always be improving and that spiritual improvement is the most important thing, but I think constant physical and temporal improvement are also important if we are to one day (not in this life) become perfect in all things. So I guess the trick is to be content enough with the way you are physically, spiritually, and temporally that you're not beating yourself up constantly (that's what Satan wants) while at the same time recognizing that there is room for improvement and being motivated to work toward being better in all those areas. No dwelling on the past and it's failures and shortcomings...repent and move on...allow each new moment to be a new chance to do it better, not worrying about the mistake that was made in the previous moment. SELF CONTROL - of mind, body, feelings, words! Time to go exercise!

Still Here

So, once I realized that I had my second wind tonight (this morning) I thought, hmm, maybe I'll post something to my blog. I logged on and started reading other blogs instead, and now it's really late, and I should have been using this time to do other things like, pay my bills, do my taxes, clean my kitchen, file my junk, work through my "to do" pile on my dresser, and any number of other worthy tasks. But since I sort of committed to myself that I would post, I'm going to post. Who needs sleep anyway?! The other day my sister-in-law Jami was talking about how depressing it is to read her friends' blogs because they only show the "perfect" side of their lives and make everyone else (those who don't know the whole story) look bad. After this conversation I sort of felt a sense of duty to blog more regularly just so that she (and anyone else who wanted to) could have something to read that wouldn't make her feel like she wasn't perfect enough. Now that I think about it though... when I read people's blogs and see how frequently they post (about anything) I think, "what is wrong with me that I can't even eek out a post or two a month? Am I really that unorganized and frenzied?" So, maybe my blogging more often won't help Jami feel better about her amazing life (because she really does do amazing things, whether she knows it or not) but it might make me feel better about my amazing life. Not that I do amazing things, but I do have a wonderful life and sitting down to take stock of it helps me be more mindful of how great I have it. So, because I am determined to post something informative, but I am also committed to getting up in 4 hours to do yoga before getting kids off to school, I am going to make a short list of things that prove that I am "still here".

*took the girls and Evan to the climbing gym today

*have enjoyed regular visits to the library with all the kids again

*doing cooking trade with Brigita again (this means I'm cooking a real meal at least once a week)

*still co-oping at the kids school two mornings a week

*teaching a mini-course on architecture in Malan's class

*got to sub for English class last week, reminded me how much I love teaching

*survived Evan's chicken pox (he just lost his last scab today)

*making date-night babysitting trade happen and enjoying time with the love of my life

*my house stinks (overflowing compost bucket, dirty diapers, broccoli, brussel sprouts, unmopped floors, kids, old house, 5 people with Orton gastrointestinal genes, bag of sweet peppers going moldy on my counter, piles of dirty laundry, etc)

*running, biking, or doing yoga 5 to 6 days a week

*running my 2nd half-marathon on Saturday, starting to think that maybe a full is not so crazy after all

*Logan did some homework yesterday!

*discovering new reasons for loving my children

*have not had a zit-free week for several months now

*almost caught up on the laundry last week

*the girls have made it quite successfully through their first month of piano lessons

*still successfully resisting my kids pleas to get a dog

*got to see my sister Angie and her family last week!

*my last baby turned 1! time is going too quickly

*still nursing with no plans to wean yet. hard to give up since I know it won't happen again.

*preparing for pioneer trek with our stake. this will be the 3rd trek that Rustin & I have done.

*have mastered the art of getting my kids to school at the last possible second before the bell rings (no official tardies for a few months! yay!)

*favorite quote right now..."The future is as bright as your faith." Thomas S. Monson

*wore my hair down twice this week! even thought about putting on a little makeup...

*danced in the kitchen with my kids last week, they were completely freaked out... in a good way. need to do that much more often.

OK now I really need to sleep! Better put my dinner leftovers in the fridge first.

Face Book

Aaahh!  I finally gave in and opened a Face Book account (the photo is my current profile picture)! One of my friends (who is actually my friend and not just an acquaintance that calls me his "friend" on Face Book) aptly described the medium as a "time vacuum".  Holy cow, I can't believe how much time one can waste on that site.  It has been a blessing and a curse in the last few days.  Curse, because I have wasted too much time on it (mostly reading other people's stuff and looking for people I have lost touch with).  I haven't written much to anyone or about me, and I haven't even requested "friendship" with most of the people I looked up (I guess I just wanted to know that they still existed).  But it has also been a blessing because I found some old friends from my mission and other eras of my life that I have felt sadness and even guilt for not keeping in touch with.  There are so many people in my life who have influenced me for good, maybe this (Face Book) will be a way to not lose them again.

Face Book is also to thank for this post.  I have for so long felt like I didn't have the time to post to my blog, but after spending hours on Face Book I thought, "if I can spend the time on that, surely I can eek out a post to my blog every now and then."  I have been especially anxious to post something (anything) so that my sort-of-sad post about Alice is not the first thing people see when they visit my blog in hopes that there will be something new to see.  My apologies to all who have faithfully checked in at Peaks Valleys, and Raisins only to be disappointed to find that there was never anything new to see.  I hope you don't tire quickly of the wallpaper, colors, etc. because the chances of those changing soon are very slim.

Alice

I know it has been forever since I posted anything, and this one is going to be short, but something is better than nothing right?  

Today I spent a minute checking out a friend's blog and saw a link to a blog in memory of their angel baby.  I clicked on it and allowed myself a few minutes of remembering our Alice and the feelings surrounding her birth.  I left a comment on the blog sharing some of my feelings, so I thought I would just share those quickly here.

"It has been a month or so since I have had a good cry for my own angel baby Alice who went back to our Heavenly Father in December of 2006. It felt good to cry tears of sorrow and joy in her memory at the same time as I read the poems and listened to the music on your bog. One of my greatest fears in losing Alice was that I would forget about her and forget the feeling of loss that I felt at her death. Sharing moments like this with other families who have felt loss too, help to make it impossible for me to forget. So, thank you. I pray for you, and for all who have lost children, that we may feel those angel babies present in our homes and be worthy of a joyous reunion with them in the eternities".

Thanks for indulging me with a personal moment. I have to say that Alice's memory makes every kick and squirm of the baby inside me even more precious and even sacred to me.

Back to it?

Ok, so I have been deliberating over how to handle this blog thing.  I don't want it to be a pain for the people that I want to read it, yet at the same time, I don't really want to spill my guts to anyone who might happen along my blog.  So I have just left it alone for the past 5 months.  But now I think I have decided that I will go ahead and post when I can and make logging in a requirement for those who want to read.  Maybe at some point I will make another blog that I can make more public, but for now, this is all I can do.  

I think I've also decided that I can't try to "catch up" on the last 35 years of my life, or even the last year of my life, so I'm just going to post what I feel like posting, when I get around to posting.  This means there will be major gaps in time and events... and that will really bug me, but I am going to resist my tendency toward "if you can't do it thoroughly or near perfectly, don't do it at all" and just do what I can.   That is kind of my new motto in life.  I realize that I can't do everything (although part of me deep down still thinks I should be able to), so I am working on being happy about what I can accomplish.  Sometimes it's just "I managed to feed the kids today" and sometimes it's a lot more, but somehow I have to be ok with whatever it is.   

It's definitely raisin time!

Well, I've done it now!  I've gone and joined the blog community!  Of course with all my apprehension about this form of media/communication, it could only have happened during "raisin" hours.  Yes, this is the beginning of an explanation for the strange title of this blog.  You see, when I was much younger I shared a room with my older sister Erika, and she and I would frequently stay up until unhealthy hours talking.  As anyone who ever does this knows, you eventually reach a point where you either fall asleep mid-sentence, or you enter a state of not-really-with-it euphoria where you get an energy boost but your ability to reason decreases dramatically.   Erika and I have dubbed these "raisin moments" for not-so-obvious reasons.  Raisin moments generally happen long after one should have been snoozing happily, and since this blog was created, and I suspect will likely be maintained, during "raisin" hours, and since much of my musing about life past and planning for life future happens during these hours as well, I decided it was only fitting that raisins held a place in my title.  The peaks and valleys part of the title is kind of obvious since this is a blog about all aspects of life, but it also has more subtle meaning that will be explored later (but not later tonight, or rather this morning).  So, I think that about does it for the intro.  I am truly insane considering I have to get up in 3 hours and try to have energy, creativity, and patience to continue in my adventures as mother of 3, which tomorrow also involves caring for an extra child and teaching home preschool.  So, good night for now!  Who really knows when I'll be back at this!?