Just gotta do it!

I just have to do this for myself and my posterity. I haven't been writing much of a journal lately and Heaven knows I don't scrapbook (not even digitally yet) so I have to do something to preserve my history for those who come after (or just for myself). I just read through my last post and was almost in tears remembering some of the things I mentioned briefly. I almost always have that reaction when I go back and read old journal entries. So, why don't I do it more often? I guess because it always comes down to moments like this when the kids are finally asleep and I should be too, but I still have a million things on my "to do" list, many of which seem much too urgent to put off in order to spend time blogging (which I am now going to refer to as journaling-in an effort to make it feel more like a necessity rather than a frivolity). For example, I should probably be working on disputing the credit card charges that were recently made by someone who stole Rustin's identity. It's been 3 weeks and I haven't done anything about it except fret. Or... I could be folding the mountains of laundry on my bed, or I could be washing my sink full of dishes, or I could be taking down my Christmas tree and decorations, or cleaning out my filing cabinet, or... or... or. But I'm doing this for a little while!

Something I have learned about myself is that I really struggle to stay awake or stay focused while I pray unless I write things down. Since I'm pretty sure no one reads this but me, I'm going to transcribe this mornings prayer notes here. If someone else is reading this... well, hopefully you will treat my innermost thoughts / ramblings charitably.

I know I need to pray more often because when I pray I think of all my blessings and mostly give thanks for all I have. When I'm not praying however, I often think of all the ways I fall short of perfection or even of my goal (which is not quite perfection yet). I've been thinking a lot about the balance between wanting to improve constantly and being content with what I have and the way I am. I know we are commanded to always be improving and that spiritual improvement is the most important thing, but I think constant physical and temporal improvement are also important if we are to one day (not in this life) become perfect in all things. So I guess the trick is to be content enough with the way you are physically, spiritually, and temporally that you're not beating yourself up constantly (that's what Satan wants) while at the same time recognizing that there is room for improvement and being motivated to work toward being better in all those areas. No dwelling on the past and it's failures and shortcomings...repent and move on...allow each new moment to be a new chance to do it better, not worrying about the mistake that was made in the previous moment. SELF CONTROL - of mind, body, feelings, words! Time to go exercise!

Still Here

So, once I realized that I had my second wind tonight (this morning) I thought, hmm, maybe I'll post something to my blog. I logged on and started reading other blogs instead, and now it's really late, and I should have been using this time to do other things like, pay my bills, do my taxes, clean my kitchen, file my junk, work through my "to do" pile on my dresser, and any number of other worthy tasks. But since I sort of committed to myself that I would post, I'm going to post. Who needs sleep anyway?! The other day my sister-in-law Jami was talking about how depressing it is to read her friends' blogs because they only show the "perfect" side of their lives and make everyone else (those who don't know the whole story) look bad. After this conversation I sort of felt a sense of duty to blog more regularly just so that she (and anyone else who wanted to) could have something to read that wouldn't make her feel like she wasn't perfect enough. Now that I think about it though... when I read people's blogs and see how frequently they post (about anything) I think, "what is wrong with me that I can't even eek out a post or two a month? Am I really that unorganized and frenzied?" So, maybe my blogging more often won't help Jami feel better about her amazing life (because she really does do amazing things, whether she knows it or not) but it might make me feel better about my amazing life. Not that I do amazing things, but I do have a wonderful life and sitting down to take stock of it helps me be more mindful of how great I have it. So, because I am determined to post something informative, but I am also committed to getting up in 4 hours to do yoga before getting kids off to school, I am going to make a short list of things that prove that I am "still here".

*took the girls and Evan to the climbing gym today

*have enjoyed regular visits to the library with all the kids again

*doing cooking trade with Brigita again (this means I'm cooking a real meal at least once a week)

*still co-oping at the kids school two mornings a week

*teaching a mini-course on architecture in Malan's class

*got to sub for English class last week, reminded me how much I love teaching

*survived Evan's chicken pox (he just lost his last scab today)

*making date-night babysitting trade happen and enjoying time with the love of my life

*my house stinks (overflowing compost bucket, dirty diapers, broccoli, brussel sprouts, unmopped floors, kids, old house, 5 people with Orton gastrointestinal genes, bag of sweet peppers going moldy on my counter, piles of dirty laundry, etc)

*running, biking, or doing yoga 5 to 6 days a week

*running my 2nd half-marathon on Saturday, starting to think that maybe a full is not so crazy after all

*Logan did some homework yesterday!

*discovering new reasons for loving my children

*have not had a zit-free week for several months now

*almost caught up on the laundry last week

*the girls have made it quite successfully through their first month of piano lessons

*still successfully resisting my kids pleas to get a dog

*got to see my sister Angie and her family last week!

*my last baby turned 1! time is going too quickly

*still nursing with no plans to wean yet. hard to give up since I know it won't happen again.

*preparing for pioneer trek with our stake. this will be the 3rd trek that Rustin & I have done.

*have mastered the art of getting my kids to school at the last possible second before the bell rings (no official tardies for a few months! yay!)

*favorite quote right now..."The future is as bright as your faith." Thomas S. Monson

*wore my hair down twice this week! even thought about putting on a little makeup...

*danced in the kitchen with my kids last week, they were completely freaked out... in a good way. need to do that much more often.

OK now I really need to sleep! Better put my dinner leftovers in the fridge first.

Outings with mom

Rustin has been working a lot lately, which I'm not complaining about because at least he still has a job.  This has left me to choose between taking the kids to do fun things by myself, or staying home.  My first desire is always to go do something fun, but quickly the hesitation begins and I have to talk myself into going it alone.  Besides the fact that I just love to have Rustin around, taking 4 kids on outings is not always easy, but the more I do it, the easier it gets.  So, here are some of the things we have done without Rustin lately.  

Spent an afternoon at the climbing gym  after lunch at the park.  I found that it's not entirely impossible to spot 3 monkey kids at once, while listening for a fourth to cry.  I can honestly say I had fun, even though I didn't get to climb and I felt like a bit of a spectacle among the regular grunge crowd at the gym.

Took the kids for breakfast, boating, and lunch at Deer Creek with my parents.  Of course I had mom and dad's help for this one, but I had to get us organized and in the car by myself (which is often half the battle).  I got to ski, the kids did the tube (couldn't convince Logan to try to ski), Logan fished his heart out with no luck, I did a fair amount of relaxing in a chair in the sun thanks to Evan needing to nurse.  I didn't stress out!!  Amelia gave me flashbacks of my childhood as she danced and danced in the wind that blew quite hard in the afternoon.  She was in her own little world and loved it.  Logan and Malan hunted and caught nearly a hundred grasshoppers.  My parents both skied while Malan spotted and I watched from the beach.  My dad can still carve out some nice  turns at almost 70.  

We went to the Clearfield pool a couple of weeks ago for my niece Maren's birthday party.  We've enjoyed various park outings including one to the Liberty Park water area.  For some reason the water activities make me the most nervous to do on my own with the kids, so even though I had help from Brigita for both of these mentioned here, I'm proud of myself for not just staying home thinking it would be too hard to keep track of them all.

My parents and I took my kids plus my nephew Isaac to the Manti pageant and then camping after the show.  We had a great time, and I only had one moment of panic that one of the kids was lost in the sea of people.  

This past weekend I took the kids on our Johnson family camp-out in Hobble Creek Canyon.  Rustin came for the second night, but I just had the kids for the first night.  We had help from my family of course, but ultimately I had to be responsible for the safety and happiness of my four kids.  And we did it!  We had a great and even relaxing time.  Then it just got better when Rustin joined us. 

I know for some of you it may seem like no big deal to haul your kids around the world without other adult help, but for me (a  confessed coward about some things, and recently inaugurated mother of 4) it is a big deal that I am "facing my fears," as Logan and Malan like to say, and getting out to enjoy life even when the love of my life can't be with us.

Evan David

OK, so I can't in good conscience write a post about Face Book and not follow up with something about our most important latest news.  We had a baby!  A healthy, beautiful baby boy whom we named Evan David.  He weighed 6 lbs. 10 oz. and measured 20 1/4 in.  Labor was quick (5 hours from start to finish) and as pain-free as you can get without any pain medication.  It's sort of unforgivable that he is almost 3 months old now and I am just getting around to making any kind of announcement, but it may be more unforgivable that I don't even have a recent picture to share.  I'll see what I can dig up. . .  So the photos are in chronological order;  hospital, 1 month, then 2 1/2 months.  Note to self. . . take pictures of Evan tomorrow!  Ironically, he is sleeping in all the photos, yet he doesn't do a whole lot of that anymore (at least not during the day).  He sleeps pretty well at night (once he falls asleep), but his daytime routine includes some fussing, feeding, diaper changing, charming us with his smiles, and cringing at the sound of his sisters approaching.  They are just a bit too "motherly" or should I say "smotherly".

Face Book

Aaahh!  I finally gave in and opened a Face Book account (the photo is my current profile picture)! One of my friends (who is actually my friend and not just an acquaintance that calls me his "friend" on Face Book) aptly described the medium as a "time vacuum".  Holy cow, I can't believe how much time one can waste on that site.  It has been a blessing and a curse in the last few days.  Curse, because I have wasted too much time on it (mostly reading other people's stuff and looking for people I have lost touch with).  I haven't written much to anyone or about me, and I haven't even requested "friendship" with most of the people I looked up (I guess I just wanted to know that they still existed).  But it has also been a blessing because I found some old friends from my mission and other eras of my life that I have felt sadness and even guilt for not keeping in touch with.  There are so many people in my life who have influenced me for good, maybe this (Face Book) will be a way to not lose them again.

Face Book is also to thank for this post.  I have for so long felt like I didn't have the time to post to my blog, but after spending hours on Face Book I thought, "if I can spend the time on that, surely I can eek out a post to my blog every now and then."  I have been especially anxious to post something (anything) so that my sort-of-sad post about Alice is not the first thing people see when they visit my blog in hopes that there will be something new to see.  My apologies to all who have faithfully checked in at Peaks Valleys, and Raisins only to be disappointed to find that there was never anything new to see.  I hope you don't tire quickly of the wallpaper, colors, etc. because the chances of those changing soon are very slim.

Alice

I know it has been forever since I posted anything, and this one is going to be short, but something is better than nothing right?  

Today I spent a minute checking out a friend's blog and saw a link to a blog in memory of their angel baby.  I clicked on it and allowed myself a few minutes of remembering our Alice and the feelings surrounding her birth.  I left a comment on the blog sharing some of my feelings, so I thought I would just share those quickly here.

"It has been a month or so since I have had a good cry for my own angel baby Alice who went back to our Heavenly Father in December of 2006. It felt good to cry tears of sorrow and joy in her memory at the same time as I read the poems and listened to the music on your bog. One of my greatest fears in losing Alice was that I would forget about her and forget the feeling of loss that I felt at her death. Sharing moments like this with other families who have felt loss too, help to make it impossible for me to forget. So, thank you. I pray for you, and for all who have lost children, that we may feel those angel babies present in our homes and be worthy of a joyous reunion with them in the eternities".

Thanks for indulging me with a personal moment. I have to say that Alice's memory makes every kick and squirm of the baby inside me even more precious and even sacred to me.

It's a Boy!

OK so this is old news for most of you, but I had to post it anyway, and share the fun name ideas we have heard from some of the kids.  Just after I told my sister Brigita we were having a boy, Isaac (her almost 4 year old) called me back and said, "Jana, I know what you should name your baby boy.  You should name him Bow, like bow and arrow."  Then a little later that day, Malan said out of the blue, "Mom, I have a name for our new brother...We should name him Spice!"  I don't know where that one came from, but she was excited about it.  Then Amelia chimed in, "no, we should name him Rainbow...Poopy."  Before we knew if we were having a girl or a boy, the kids were discussing possible names for the new baby, and Amelia's suggestion then was, "if it's a girl we should name her Rainbow Pink."  So I think the Rainbow Poopy idea stemmed from the original girl name.  She must have decided that Pink was not a good boy name and quickly found something that she considered more masculine.  

So I think we should put it up for a vote.  So far in the running we have Bow, Spice, and Rainbow Poopy.  Luckily we still have a few months to come up with some alternatives, but feel free to take your pick from the current options!