Just gotta do it!

I just have to do this for myself and my posterity. I haven't been writing much of a journal lately and Heaven knows I don't scrapbook (not even digitally yet) so I have to do something to preserve my history for those who come after (or just for myself). I just read through my last post and was almost in tears remembering some of the things I mentioned briefly. I almost always have that reaction when I go back and read old journal entries. So, why don't I do it more often? I guess because it always comes down to moments like this when the kids are finally asleep and I should be too, but I still have a million things on my "to do" list, many of which seem much too urgent to put off in order to spend time blogging (which I am now going to refer to as journaling-in an effort to make it feel more like a necessity rather than a frivolity). For example, I should probably be working on disputing the credit card charges that were recently made by someone who stole Rustin's identity. It's been 3 weeks and I haven't done anything about it except fret. Or... I could be folding the mountains of laundry on my bed, or I could be washing my sink full of dishes, or I could be taking down my Christmas tree and decorations, or cleaning out my filing cabinet, or... or... or. But I'm doing this for a little while!

Something I have learned about myself is that I really struggle to stay awake or stay focused while I pray unless I write things down. Since I'm pretty sure no one reads this but me, I'm going to transcribe this mornings prayer notes here. If someone else is reading this... well, hopefully you will treat my innermost thoughts / ramblings charitably.

I know I need to pray more often because when I pray I think of all my blessings and mostly give thanks for all I have. When I'm not praying however, I often think of all the ways I fall short of perfection or even of my goal (which is not quite perfection yet). I've been thinking a lot about the balance between wanting to improve constantly and being content with what I have and the way I am. I know we are commanded to always be improving and that spiritual improvement is the most important thing, but I think constant physical and temporal improvement are also important if we are to one day (not in this life) become perfect in all things. So I guess the trick is to be content enough with the way you are physically, spiritually, and temporally that you're not beating yourself up constantly (that's what Satan wants) while at the same time recognizing that there is room for improvement and being motivated to work toward being better in all those areas. No dwelling on the past and it's failures and shortcomings...repent and move on...allow each new moment to be a new chance to do it better, not worrying about the mistake that was made in the previous moment. SELF CONTROL - of mind, body, feelings, words! Time to go exercise!